Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Loyola connection

Being in a foreign land always has its plus points. First of all you're an Alien. Well, how can that be something positive. Aliens stand apart right. They evoke fear. They are hated. Well so be it. I don't like this cruel desolate place. It took love away from me. It took everything I care about from me. So I hate this place. I'm an Alien here. So let them hate me.

The second benefit is that suddenly when you're alone, you start looking back at yourself. You contemplate. You think about your life. The deeds you've done. That's when ghosts from your past return to haunt you. It's an eerie feeling, but a feeling I've started to love.

But for me the most special thing about being here is that it has made me a more caring and sensitive person. A person who cherish love. Cherish being loved. A person who wants to belong somewhere, because I know I don't belong here. So I look around for familiar faces. Faces dear to me. Names special to me. Luckily I found one here. That's `Adarsh'.

Adarsh was my student from my not so illustrious career as a teacher. In fact my whole teaching experience can be summed up in a few phrases.
  • Irregular (regularly irregular in fact)
  • No subject competency (I knew nothing about physics)
  • No self motivation to teach (nil I might add)

Hey, but I was not a complete loser. Even though I was not a self-motivated teacher I was good at motivating others. My career as a teacher was not great, with shades of commercialism coming in and all, but I can sure boast of some good friends now, who were my students to start with.

Adarsh is again a little apart from the rest of my so called `student turned friend'. The reason is not because of him. It's because of me. I told you earlier, I was a jerk of a teacher. But I always tried my best to be there for my students, whatever it is. But I couldn't do it for Adarsh. To start with I couldn't even teach him physics, but he's quite cool with that. I didn't even complete the portions for the year for Christ's sake. There goes my commitment. I'm not talking about my commitment to teaching. It's my commitment to students.

Adarsh would've felt the same. I always used to wonder why this guy used to come day in and day out just to listen to me talking crap. And to make matters worse I wasn't even regular. He used to commute a long way for my classes and most of the days return, happy probably, with me not turning up. I guess me not being there was more of a help to him as I couldn't corrupt his mind.

I used to look at his eyes during lectures. They had some meaning. I still couldn't fathom what they meant. Was it a feeling of being bored - No, being curious - maybe, being intimidated - No No. Even he doesn't know it I reckon.

Well this world moves in crazy ways. I always had this guilt in me thinking I didn't give 100% to him. But here he is, with me in this foreign land. He himself an Alien like me.

Now I realise that my boy here and myself have some what similar temperaments, although different tastes. I had to meet him. But in reality I was scared to do so. Don't know why. Maybe that guilt inside. Or maybe something else. But I had to meet him none the less. Because he is someone I know. It's as simple as that. He's someone I know, and therefore someone I care about.

I was late as usual. Punctuality is sort of like my middle name. But I don't have a middle name as you know. Hence I don't have punctuality or rather I've never been on time my entire life.

I walked through the open gate of his college. Loyola, an imposing campus. Imposing and rather charming as there was something inside that was appealing to me. That was attracting me. The gates were fully open as though saying I'm welcome there. He was already waiting for me. When I saw him I realised he hasn't changed. He's still the old boy I knew. We walked through the campus, had dinner at a Chinese joint near by. Lot of Blah-Blah's as usual. It was raining. Rain is something I like, but in this place....Well.... But I can't hate rain. I shouldn't.

``Hate this place instead Leslie - Please.''

Walking back I insisted we walk through the campus. I don't know why I did like that. Maybe there was something inside that appealed to my scorched soul. Maybe the empty corridors that still resonates with the hopes and despairs of young hearts. Or maybe it's the feeling of being near or walking with `Sofia' (wisdom). But I loved the place. I promised myself, I shall return. Soon...

The rain was pouring. I wanted to remove my umbrella and my shirt and just spread my arms and stand, staring up into the falling droplets. The feeling would have been great. But my pal would have felt embarrassed had I done that. See how even I who always follow my inner voice fell prey to social norms.

But I'd again come here. Maybe the rain wouldn't be there but atleast Sofia would be there. Adarsh too. Also the lonely souls and broken verses...

Maybe my heart longs to be back in college again.....

I was upset before going there to meet my pal. But being with him in this palace of dreams, temple of desires, made me relax. I feel as though I've become wiser.

I feel cold walking back. It's not because of the rain, but because I'm leaving the warmth of a friendly soul.......

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Scent of the Rain

Ask me I would say that rain is life. It gives life. It quenches our thirst. It cleanses our soul. Rain goddess, a mother....
I still remember my childhood days. I had time then to watch the rain drops splash. Watch the rainbow form and wonder at the silver lining around a dark cloud. Rain was romance then. There was something mystical. Rain was joy. Oh what fun we had in school when it was raining. To play in the ground that was water logged. To skid and fall. Get wet and dirty all over. Coming back after all these adventures, get nice spanking from mom for getting dirty. It was an adventure. Rain is an adventure.

Those days, during rain I used to look out of the window. There would be a cold draft hitting my face. That cold draft was so refreshing. Or was it the scent that was refreshing. Yes, Rain goddess wears a beautiful perfume. A perfume made out of elements from our mother earth and the sky. Have you ever noticed it. If not try it. Its heavenly.....

You guys might wonder, why suddenly I'm talking about rain such a lot. Yesterday something happened that made me think a lot about it. That's why.

Yesterday I was getting out of my place to make a move to my office. Then suddenly it started to rain. Actually the place I am in right now, Chennai, in the south of India doesn't get much rain. It is a place notorious for its hot and humid conditions. So normally a rain would be a welcome. But you got it wrong. Rain floods the place like hell. So for the 1st time in my life I cursed this gift of God. Why did I do it. Just because it was an inconvenience for me. So human I have become. So human. I just think about myself. I have started to think like a career professional who would do anything to keep up with his professional demands.

Humans were not like that to start with. We are a race who are romantics. We are a race born to enjoy and experience this world and its beauty to the fullest. We are basically poets, artists.... But we choose not to exercise these inbuilt faculties of ours nowadays. But why? Is it the influence of technology in our lives. Is it because of our constant isolation from nature. Or is it anything else.

I guess the answer has many dimensions.. Of course these days we are isolated from nature. We travel in our air conditioned cars, work and live in our climate controlled cocoons. We use sun creams with UV SPF more than 50, so that not even the smallest of its rays reach our skin. Hey, Sun used to be our source of energy. Have you forgotten that.

Then comes the next culprit, technology. Frankly speaking we don't have time to take our eyes from our LCD screens. What has become of us, Oh God--- Slaves of technology.

Our society is the ultimate culprit if you ask me. We have other priorities now, priorities that has been inflicted upon us by our society. All these things have compounded upon us and made us zombies of sorts. Zombies living in an isolated world.

Let's come back to rain. I hate myself now. The object of my desire, my passion and joy, yesterday I cursed it. I cursed it cos it had become an inconvenience for my insignificant existence. It had become a nuisance for my worthless commute from home to office. Worthless as it keeps me away from my elements. Keeps me away from love. Keeps me away from nature, my mother.

Oh Dear God, don't curse me now, I have not seen life. Don't curse me and take your gift away. I need all the gifts that you have provided us. Only then will I be able to know me, only then will my life be complete.

Where are those clouds. Shower upon me your love. Shower upon me and cleanse me from inside as my soul has become corrupt.

Friday, October 20, 2006

``Jean Jacques Rousseau''

In between I write some stuff as poetry. Mainly because I don't have to worry about any mistakes in sentence formation and all. Besides I get some satisfaction or something like that when I finish one.

This one was written by me last year while I was in college. It is about the great French philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau. I haven't read any of Rousseau's work and I am not that familiar with his life either. The only thing I know about him is his educational philosophy, which I learnt as part of my college degree. So my ideas about the great man is pretty vague. So what I have written wont justify his greatness. Still I have attempted something. I hope what I have written doesn't make him turn in his grave...........

Jean Jacques Rousseau

In the streets of Paris it was
that I met a great soul
lucky I am, for I could behold
the treasures this Man possess.
Greatness there was in his words;
and divine were his thoughts.

I watch him in awe
what made him so, I wondered.
Is it the mighty hand of God,
or the raw nature like he claim.
His greatness is his mind-
a mind so pure and warm;
It's a pity, he was mistook
for someone he was not.

A real son of nature he was
but this world gave him wounds,
which turned later to gashes
open, wide and full of pain.
He couldn't love, Oh he could..not;
he just couldn't stand this world
this cruel world full of masks,
whose soul is corrupt to the core.

He wasn't loved by anyone
nor did anyone receive
that damned thing full of pain-
full of deceit and sins of lust.
What drives him, I wondered;
and I dared to ask.
Surprised I was by his answer
it was love, I heard him say.

``LOVE'' !; could I be mistaken.
How could it be love.
How can a man be inspired by the very thing
that eluded him all his life,
and drove him to the dark world of pain.
I am mistaken, it was not love,
it was his hatred for this world
that made him create,
Son's and Daughters, that would serve
the very thing he hated
and turn it to a better one.

Yes, his spark started a fire,
that burnt the heart of millions
waking them up from their slumber
and breaking their cocoons of ignorance.
Fire consumed the whole of Gaul,
Rhine filled with corpses BLUE,
Bastions consumed under its rage
turning Seine to crimson red;
eminent with it the fall of Bastile.

The thirst of cold metal
for blood that's blue,
was quenched at last through vengeance
with the swing of the guillotine axe.

Waves huge rose up from Gaul,
spreading with it far n wide
and reaching the shores foreign; the new world,
the message of freedom, the message of Life;
and the cries of comrades for
`` Liberte'', `` Egalite'', `` Fraternitte''.

The world as we had known then
has changed for the better, I see,
or has it really changed.
I see forces dark and huge
still pulling us down;
the very things we swear by
and claim they are to serve us;
the rules and laws we live by
are still killing our urge to grow,
clipping our wings and
stopping our minds from soaring;
to greater heights than we are now.
Choking our desires and dreams,
killing life from within us.

I urge you my fellow beings
stand up and salute,
this great soul who has given us
the means by which we could
be blessed in every sense.

Open you eyes, I beg you
cos in front of you is an axe
use it to break these chains
that has barred us from happiness
and enslaved us in its grip.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

An old buddy

I met an old buddy this day. I know it's not a highly creative way to start a log. But this a log right. So I thought, for a change I would directly get into the core, instead of beating about the bush.

Max, my old college buddy and my team mate dropped by this morning. Suddenly out of the blues. Well I was surprised but more than that I felt really happy. I mean to see a familiar face among new unfamiliar ones. It always feels good.

I really don't know what kinda relationship I had with Max. We were clearly more than friends. He was my practice partner during Judo camps. I can say I was his mentor of sorts. I taught him a lot about college, wrestling and maybe a little bit of life too. Well that would definitely create a bond between us that's much more than friendship. Anyway I saw him. He has gained a few pounds. Brought him to my room. Had the usual friends chat, talking about college days and other stuff. Life has sure turned serious after our college days.

Well I went with him to the bus stand to see him off. He's hitting the big time so to speak, career-wise that is. He's gonna fly to Dubai next month or so to join a construction company over there. But this afternoon he had to catch a bus to his current nest. Thirunalveli. Anyone been to Chennai will know the Moffussil bus terminal. It has got a vast lobby, high ceilings and all the usual big station stuff.

We had lunch from there. Then I walked with him to his bus. I hugged him. Looked into his eyes. I could sense a tinge of sadness in em. My eyes were covered with my dark sun glasses. So my emotions weren't betrayed. I exchanged the usual pleasantries with him and the usual crap like keeping in touch etc...

I walked back. Looking up onto the ceiling of that bus terminal I suddenly had this hollow feeling inside me. As if i'm suddenly left alone. I walked back, all the while thinking that this could be the last time I see this buddy of mine. He's gonna go his way. End up somewhere. Somewhere else in this vast world. Even though people say that our world is getting smaller. For me the world is still a huge place where we can easily get lost. Well I only hope that Max or me or for that case anyone, shouldn't get lost in the crossroads that form the fabric of this world. Crossroads formed from the bye products of our continual shift towards a pragmatic existence.

I hope for the best as we humans are not pessimists by nature..............

Monday, October 16, 2006


Just thinking where my life has reached, would make me wonder, Oh God. What is happening. Or What has happened or What will happen again.

When I was in high school, my teacher used to tell me and my pals, 10th grade is going to be your life's turning point kids. We used to wonder. What is this turning point this guy is talking about. Now I think I have realised what he meant. I would like to term these turning points as junctions of my life.

Well 10th grade passed. It was in 1995. Then came the fun filled virtual world of college. Joining a college too was a junction. Just like my teacher had said I reached a big junction after my 10th. There were lot of traffic lights. Some red. Some Yellow. But mostly Green. I couldn't make up my mind as to which road to follow. I took one that was the most frequently traveled (I took up science for my college as all the kids wanted science, it was the in thing those days, Maybe it still is). I wasn't forced or anything by my parents. Instead in my case the pressure was from the society. I was a fool to let the society guide me. To succumb to peer pressure. But I did. Took a turn. Then it was a ride. Sometimes bumpy like a village road. Sometimes smooth as an express way. Junctions came.

Took my expected turns. Did what I could do with the turn I had made years back. Finished my M.Sc in Physics.

Then I realised that I am not made for the role I had chosen. I can't do anything with the burden or tag I had with me. The tag being the degree I possess.

that's when I made the point that from now on I wont take turns with pre-notions. I decided that I would take blind turns. But the thing is that I have not taken any blind turns till now. The junctions I have crossed after that have all been ones with just one obvious turn to take. You don't understand don't you. I shall explain in detail.

The junctions I have reached were all dead ends to start off with. Then a track would emerge and I shall slowly take it. Some might say that I have been lucky to be here without taking any prior plans or routes. Maybe they are right. A real life example is the job I am in right now. I completed my bachelors degree in science education last may. The obvious turn to make after that would have been to take up a job as a teacher somewhere. But I didn't make that turn. Instead I traveled a bit more from that junction and reached a dead end, which gave me thoughts about retracing the path I traveled to the previous junction. But then I stayed to contemplate. It saved me actually. Out of nowhere came a road. Took it and here I am in another part of the world occupying a position in space that for me would generally have been improbable if not impossible. Working as a Sub-editor for a newspaper. Who would have thought of it.

Maybe I have to cross many more junctions. Maybe I would turn again. Left turn or right turn, the point is I should not let anyone guide me. But that's not possible. Maybe my destiny drives me. So let it be. I would let my destiny guide me. I have got my seatbelts fastened for a bumpy ride.


This world as we know it is a constantly changing one. A dynamic one. But what is this world?
Recently i was talking about the space time continuim. Yes, this world of ours is just a special function of space, time, and velocity. i included velocity as it is one constraint that includes matter or mass in a superficial manner atleast. with my limited knowledge i could only think of a 3-dimensional continium. But actually the dimensions to this world is close to infinity if not infinity itself. That is the reason why we can't explain certain phenomenon that occour around us. We term the unexplainable as a miracle.

This inablity of ours is our limiting factor. That is why God is not a person among us. Our perception has its limits. Mine is just 3 dimensional so to speak. Of course there are other dimensions that i can think of, or rather slowly the dimensions will reveal itself to me. I guess that state is what sages tried to achieve or might have achieved.

Its a journey of a life time to understand this world. But modern man need more than one life time to understand his world. The reason quite simply is that our perception has become numb due to the 4 walls that surround our mind. The walls are actually not 4 in number but is many fold. It includes our destiny, the prominence we give to our careers, family, and above everything, the greens(money). Another irony is that the very dimension of our world itself contribute to our numbness. Time for instance. We are governed by time, thereby it limits our perception. Velocity as we know is a physical limit we have been trying to conquer by attempts at land speed records and Mach counts. But we can't. Atleast with what we have now, we can't.

This exactly is what Einstien termed as the physical barrier for time travel. Velocity....

So is time travel necessary to understand this world. Maybe it is so. But as far as i feel physical time travel is not at all required. The key is surely our mind. Just got to break it free from the shackles of the limiting factors. Hopefully i might be able to do so. But first thing's first. Let me find out what the barriers are

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Just joined

hi guys, i just got into this thing called blogging. Actually i have been thinking for a long time to start my own blog Only now i did it. I guess the saying goes, there is a right time for anything. We sometimes call it destiny or something.

And so maybe i am destined to start a blog at this point in the time space continium. Lets see what happens from now on.